Con-Quest! Poké-con (Version 0.02)
Con-Quest is basically what happens when horny con culture, bad decisions and old Pokémon obsession all crash into each other in one filthy browser tab. It feels like walking into an anime convention while already leaking a bit in your pants, then realizing the whole place is run by some pervy RPG system that really wants you to “save” girls by beating their clothes and sanity off with magic spells. You’re wandering around this Poke-themed con, girls are getting corrupted into monster-ified cosplayers, and your heroic duty is to bonk them with goofy spells until they go from “angry enemy” to “naked reward screen.” It’s stupid in a good way. Like, the whole thing knows it’s dumb and horny and just leans into it instead of pretending to be some deep story about morality or whatever. You walk to the next room, see a girl in a Pikachu hoodie and torn yellow stockings ready to zap you, and your brain just quietly goes: “Yeah. I’m okay with this.”
What I really liked is how it actually feels like you’re stuck in one of those messy con weekends. People cosplay badly on purpose, there are weird side quests that feel like when you follow some rando from Artist Alley because they promised free stickers, and the humor is that exact mix of cringe and funny you only see in old Newgrounds stuff and horny Discord servers. There’s this whole thing with the gacha machine giving you random sticker drops and I swear I spent more time praying to RNGesus for a specific lewd sticker than actually progressing the main quest. Also, small detail but it got in my head: when you’re in the shop and those random cutscenes pop up with the shop girls just doing dumb fanservice stuff, it hits that nice “I should be focusing on builds but I’m distracted by boobs” zone. Combat’s pretty simple but it works: cast spells, manage your mana, try not to get smacked while staring at jiggle animations. Lightning stun feels sick at first, then you realize they nerfed the shit out of it and you can’t cheese fights like a lazy bastard anymore. And the way saving a girl means she might pop back in during combat to help you, like some horny Pokémon assist, is actually hype the first time it happens. You’re getting your ass kicked, then suddenly that cosplayer you stripped earlier jumps in and blasts the enemy so her own nude CG can stay safe in your gallery. That’s fucked up, but in the way I like.
The jokes land more often than they should. One minute the game is making fun of overexcited con nerds, next minute you’re staring at a Bulbasaur cosplayer with her tits halfway out, trying to pretend you’re interested in her “questline” and not the way the vine theme basically screams “I’m gonna tie you up and do weird shit.” Her quests feel like someone wrote them mid-masturbation and then just never cleaned the script, which somehow fits this whole thing. And I kinda love that the art is expressive and horny without going full glossy porn; it has that DeviantArt energy where it’s hot, but also kinda awkward, like you’re seeing someone’s kinks drawn straight from their brain with no filter. Dialogue sometimes trips over itself, some text skips weird if you click too fast, and every now and then a joke just dies on screen like a dead Magikarp, but I kept playing anyway because the moment you trigger a hidden animated reward and see the girl you just purified bouncing in a new loop, it scratches that caveman part of the brain that just wants to collect lewd trophies. It’s the kind of game where you tell yourself “just one more quest” then suddenly you’re hunting for that last hidden scene with the Pikachu cosplayer like it’s a legendary drop, even though in the end it’s just another girl topless and moaning at you in a loop. And somehow that’s exactly enough.
Added: Mar 14, 2019 💬 0 🎮 1k